Free Ebook Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last, by Mimi E. Lyster
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Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last, by Mimi E. Lyster
Free Ebook Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last, by Mimi E. Lyster
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Avoid custody battles -- save time, money and grief.
Working out a fair and realistic child-custody agreement is one of the most difficult tasks for parents going through a divorce or separation. Building a Parenting Agreement That Works is the only book to show separating or divorcing parents how to overcome obstacles and create win-win custody agreements.
A professional mediator, author Mimi Lyster sets out 40 issues separating parents typically face, and presents all the options to resolving them. The book walks you through all the factors you must consider, including:
*medical care
*education
*religious training
*living arrangements
*holidays
*money issues
*dealing with changes in an existing agreement
The updated 5th edition includes checklists and worksheets to help you complete the included fill-in-the-blank custody agreement. It also provides the current custody laws of your state.
- Sales Rank: #5883458 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Nolo
- Published on: 2005-10-30
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 11.00" h x 8.75" w x .75" l,
- Binding: Paperback
- 264 pages
Features
- Used Book in Good Condition
Review
"Aims to show separating or divorcing parents how to overcome obstacles and build their own custody agreements." -- Washington Times
"Clear, practical advice on identifying everyone's concerns, and strategies for effective negotiations." -- New York Daily News
A step-by-step guide to help even the most hostile couples work out terms for raising children after the family splits. -- Newsday
About the Author
Mimi E. Lyster draws on her 18 years of experience resolving child custody and other types of disputes to help families build parenting agreements that make sense and work well. Author of Child Custody, Ms. Lyster is currently a policy analyst with the California Statewide Office of Family Court Services and a Practitioner member of the Academy of Family Mediators. She provides both entry and advanced level training programs for mediators, attorneys and other divorce support professionals, and maintains a limited private practice in mediation, meeting facilitation, and strategic planning. Previously, she has served as a member of the California Dispute Resolution Council, the State Bar's Committee on Legal Services for Middle Income Persons, the Judicial Council's Commission on the Future of the Courts, and as the executive director of mediation programs in both urban and rural areas of California.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Introduction
Before getting started on your parenting plan, you should understand the context in which your parenting decisions will be made.
You Are Not Alone
During the last quarter century, the expectation that two people would meet, marry, raise a family, and grow old together has changed. Studies over the past 10 years have confirmed that couples who divorce will be most likely to do so after about seven years of marriage, and that two-thirds of these divorcing families will include at least one child under the age of six. Statistics also show that more than a million children each year for the past 25 years have lived through a divorce.
Other researchers have commented on the changing structure of the family. During the past 35 years, the divorce rate has quadrupled and births outside of marriage have increased by 22%. Many families relocate every few years, depriving these families of the benefits of living close to extended family. Researchers predict that nearly half of all babies born today will spend some time living in a one-parent family. A family in which biological parents stay together and raise their children to adulthood is now the reality only for about one-third of all couples. The new reality is that most parents will never marry, will marry and later divorce, or will create their families through artificial insemination or adoption.
Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children
You and your children's other parent are about to undertake a difficult but very important project: making the best possible decisions about your parenting arrangements. Of course, it may be hard to separate the desire to have nothing more to do with your ex from the task of making decisions that are in your children's interest. After all, separation and divorce exist to solve adult problems, not to meet children's needs.
Even if your separation or divorce will be better for your children in the long run, for the short term most children feel that things are worse. Divorce or separation can shake a child's confidence that he or she will continue to be loved, cared for, and safe. This is true even when children understand the reasons behind the decision.
You and the other parent can help your children by using this book to develop an agreement that focuses on meeting your children's individual needs. The more attention you pay to those needs, the more likely you are to build an agreement that works for all of you.
You and the other parent must honestly assess your relationship as parents and your ability to work together. To keep your agreement focused on your children, you must be willing to trust each other and set aside your anger, frustration, and pain, at least for a while. If you've just separated, you may think it will be impossible to trust and cooperate with the other parent. Many find, though, that trustful and cooperative relationships usually evolve over time. One of the most effective strategies for moving toward this kind of relationship is to build on points of agreement until you have crafted a comprehensive parenting plan.
Dealing With Grief, Anger, Pain, Relief, Fear, and Other Messy Emotions
Some compare the end of a marriage or other committed relationship to a death. The dreams that most of us bring to our relationships are huge. Add a child or children into the mix, and the combination is powerful indeed. Losing those dreams or seeing them fade away will stir powerful emotions in both parents. Add to this the fact that children go through their own worries, losses, and pain, and your divorce is likely to be a very difficult time -- at least at the beginning.
Is all of this "normal"? In many respects, it would be strange if the changes associated with separation or divorce were not terribly difficult at first -- even if you are the one who ended the relationship.
These are times where it makes sense to make space for feeling as if your emotions are "out of control," not knowing exactly how you feel, or wondering whether your feelings will ever settle down again. It is also a time to seek out some support. Powerful emotions are just part of the territory when relationships change or end. It's when you feel alone that the feelings can take over more of your world than may be healthy. Find good friends, relatives, a religious counselor, or trained mental health professional who can hear what you are feeling, and help keep things in perspective. In time, the initial pain and turmoil will lessen, and you will be able to move on to a more balanced frame of mind. Remember to look for support for your child as well. Some children feel best confiding in their parents, others worry about overloading an already-stressed parent, and so try to handle too much on their own.
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Great tool!
By Tom Torrez
VERY helpful. Helped me think though and do what I needed to do. Thank you.
10 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Good for divorcing parents and attorneys and mediators assisting them
By Alain B. Burrese
As a mediator, I've spent a lot of time helping divorcing parents work out a fair and realistic paranting plan or custody agreement that works for them and their children. The plan needs to protect the best interests of the children, and it is the parents who know the children best. Absent any abuse, it really is the parents, not the court or other experts, who need to work together to create a parenting plan that will work for everyone involved. That is where this book comes in. "Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: Child Custody Agreements Step by Step" by Mimi Lyster Zemmelman contains practical solutions and sample language to assist divorcing parents overcome obstacles and build win-win custody agreements that allow everyone, parents and children, to live in their new arrangement.
Obviously, I believe a mediator is greatly beneficial when disputing parties are trying to reach agreement, but for many, using a text such as Zemmelman's "Building a Parenting Agreement That Works" will assist them with successfully navigating these difficult waters in a stressful time. The book does a very good job of covering all the important ingredients of a successful parenting agreement. And I should point out that a successful parenting agreement is one that works for the people involved. You don't want to use a cookie cutter plan for everyone, but rather design the plan that works for the people and situations involved.
After a short introduction that explains the book, part one focuses on getting started and covers topics such as taking stock of your situation, an introduction to parenting agreements, getting organized, and advice on how to negotiate a parenting agreement.
Part two of the book focuses on the actual Parenting Agreement. It has chapters on building your agreement, basic elements, more parenting issues, serious situations, and special challenges. Not everyone will need all of the components here, but it is great to have so much included for those that do. Again, you need to use the portions of the book that fit your own situation.
Part three of the book has chapters that go beyond the parenting agreement. Chapter topics include: child support, alimony, jointly owned property, making mediation and arbitration work for you, making changes, understanding your children's needs, multiracial, multicultural, and international families, nontraditional families, state and federal laws affecting child custody, and help beyond the book. The appendix contains some worksheets and a fill in the blank Parenting Agreement.
Because laws change all the time, it is prudent to check with an attorney or your local courts to ensure any laws the book shares are accurate for your jurisdiction. It is also advisable to seek guidance from an attorney if you have any questions regarding your divorce. I also liked the chapter on mediation, because if you are having difficulty in building a parenting agreement, the assistance of a mediator can be extremely beneficial. This is especially true for parties that are having difficulties communicating with each other.
For divorcing parents, this book has a lot of very good information. Nolo books do a very good job of making legal issues accessible to everyone. However, as an attorney and mediator, I also found this book very valuable for my practice. The information provided in this book will help me help others. I recommend it highly to any divorcing parents and to all mediators and attorneys who assist divorcing parents.
Reviewed by Alain Burrese, J.D., is a mediator and the author of a regular column on negotiation for The Montana Lawyer.
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
saved a lot on legal fees
By J. Myers
I used a website that provided examples of things to think about in a custody dispute for men and women and downloaded a book from their site and in addition used this book to help build a parenting agreement that was quickly accepted by my former spouse and I during a contested divorce. My attorney and counselor were both impressed by the details included in the plan. My attorney indicated I had helped save hundreds of dollars just in writing the draft and saved thousands by being able to present it to both sides during a settlement conference. The details included in our plan will help us to avoid going back to court because we have everything spelled out. The author provides lists for ideas and suggestions which we found very helpful. Both sides were happy with the outcomes.
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